Just over a month ago my father passed away and I can not begin to express how much I miss him.  My father was a great man.  I could not have asked for a better mentor,leader and friend and I will miss him every day from here on out.

My wish is for every father to be as good a father as mine was.  He was always there for me, he always supported my decisions and was always there to pick up the pieces when my decisions weren't the best.  He helped me learn from my mistakes in a compassionate and understanding way and never once let me down.

Above everything else, my father loved me and he wasn't  afraid to let me know.  He not only told me that he loved me but he proved it in everything that he did...he was a real man who was not afraid to show his emotions and I love him for it.

Because of the great man that he was, I am able to raise my children in the same manner that he raised me.  Because of his strength, I have been empowered to have the courage to put MY family first, to insure their safety and stability.  Because of him, generations will be blessed.

My father understood the meaning of the word "Father"...and he taught me the meaning of the word by  acting with my best interest in mind at all times; no matter what it took.  My hope is that you will do that for your children.

The best thing that you can do for your children is to be there for them.  Be there for them no matter what, no matter how inconvenient it might seem to you at times; it will make a difference in their lives; they will be better children for it and ultimately better parents.  By raising your children to be good parents you are insuring that your grand children will be treated the same way that your children were; so make the right decisions now.

On this Father's Day, take a moment to listen to your children.  See how proud they are when you open thier cards and little gifts.  Spend some time with them and see how they look at you when you tell them that you love them.  Build an unbreakable bond with them...be a father.

Be strong, be loyal and be positive

Doug

Look into your children’s eyes and see what they are feeling. Looking into your children’s eyes can give you clues as to what may be going on inside their little hearts. When they look at you do you see joy in their eyes? Do you see sadness? Do you see confusion or fear? Their eyes are the windows to their soles.

Try changing the way that you act around them and see how their eyes reflect the difference. Take a moment to sit and listen to them and see the change in how they look at you. Hold them in your arms and let them know that they are the most important thing in the world to you and watch the change begin to take effect.

Being a positive influence in your children’s lives goes so far beyond just picking them up once in a while and doing something fun with them. If you want a strong and secure relationship with them then you have to build a solid foundation and continue to add to it. Making sure that you are available to them is important for them and shows them that they can turn to you when they need you. Being available to them is the first step in building that foundation.

I can not stress enough how important it is for you to make yourself available for doctors visits, dentist visits, parent/teacher conferences, school plays, you name it. Your children will come to know you as more than a part time parent and you will be setting a good example for them by splitting duties and or participating in these activities with mom…it is important for them to see that you both can come together when it comes to their well being. This also relieves some of the pressure that mom may be feeling, making the atmosphere around mom more relaxed. This gives her an opportunity to take care of herself and her needs making her a better person for the children.

Remember that it is the responsibility of both parents to ensure that they are the best that they can be for the good of the children.

Look into their eyes and see what they may need. Adjust your availability, emotionally and physically and see the change in the way that they behold you and watch your relationship blossom into an unbreakable bond.

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

This is the beginning of the holidays and children begin to get excited about the changing of the weather and all the fun things that come along with fall. This is such an important part of the year for children as Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas requires us to gather together with friends and family. Divorce and separation can put a strain on these family functions but it is important to put aside all personal differences and allow our children to enjoy the seasons festivities.

If you have been separated and have a new place of your own that the children can come and visit, it is important to keep your place up with the latest holiday decor. It seems like such a simple thing but it can help the children adjust knowing that everyone is participating in these festivities at the same time. Take the time to carve another pumpkin at your house with the children during Halloween. This will create a positive memory for everyone and will show them that they can count on you for these simple holiday traditions; this also provides for greater stability knowing that you took the time to do something special with them. The same thing applies with Thanksgiving and Christmas…there is nothing wrong with planning a Thanksgiving feast at your house as well…and having a Christmas tree at Christmas time. Taking the children to go pick out a tree with you and decorate it will also sew together the holidays for children.

No matter what age your children are it is important for them to see that you want to participate in the holidays with them. Obviously, it would be ideal if you can attend holiday functions with the entire family but this is not always realistic. You should, however, make every effort to put aside your differences with your ex and make the attempt.

Take some time in the next week or so to discuss the holiday visitation schedule with your ex. Make some definite plans for each of the holidays because before you know it they will be upon us and as you know, this time of year can be very hectic. Don’t wait until the last minute because this only adds to the confusion. Discuss what days you would like to have them and be flexible because everybody wants the children on these special days. Don’t forget that there may be extended family on both sides that will want to see the children as well. Don’t be selfish about this…remember that it is important for the children to see everyone… make it a point to bring this up with your ex and show your willingness to share the children with the entire family. Your children will benefit from the two of you cooperating with this.

Remember to put your children first. Their stability is so very important. By working together with your ex during this time of year you can create some great memories for the children that will last a lifetime.

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

I  want you to ponder on how these events truly effect you...and really study what they do to you...the reason for this is that these events have the same effect on your children.  Even if these events have been hidden from your children their repercussions will be felt for years to come if you are not careful.

Once you have become familiar with how you react to these unpleasant memories you will gain some insight on how to control the negative responses that they produce.  I can not stress how important it is for your children to observe that you are a strong, in control person.  If both parents are exhibiting unstable behavior the children will begin to loose confidence that "everything will be okay".

When you feel the negative feelings and pressures of your divorce or separation begin to take control of your thinking, you need to take a moment and focus on what is most important...your children and their best interests.  They don't need to see you angry with their mom.  They don't need to hear you yelling or saying unfavorable things to her or about her.  They don't need to see you kicking or punching walls or throwing things in anger...they need to see a strong, lovable, caring dad that they can count on.

Now is the time for them to have as much stability as possible; this transition is going to be difficult enough without compounding it with unexpected behavior.  You need to be the person that they can count on and show them that "everything will be okay".  No doubt you have used these words with your children and now is the time to prove it. 

Your divorce will not last forever, I promise.  It may take only a month or two or it may go on for years...but it WILL end and there WILL be a decision on custody.  What you need to do is to take each day as it comes and give the very best part of yourself to your children so that when the court is making its final decision you can feel confident that you have done everything possible for your children...and you will have no regrets 

Stay focused on what is important...give your children everything that they deserve and more.  Spend quality time with them.  Create good memories with them.  If you do this they will know that "everything will be okay"

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

Between the BBQ and house full of guests please take a moment to sit down with each of your children and allow them to spend some time with you.  It makes children feel good when they have an opportunity to give a loving gift to their dad and see your joy.

My Father's Day wish for every father is that they take the time to love their children and continue to build  lasting and loving relationships with them; to create bonds with their sons and daughters that will last for a lifetime.

Remember to thank your children for being so wonderful  and don't forget to let them know that you will always be there for them. 

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

Divorce and separation are difficult enough; add children to the equation and you can also add heartache, fear, confusion and doubt.  This is a time that you need to decide if you are a real father or just another person in your children's lives. 

Men have been taught since the dawn of time that fathers provide and mothers nurture.  These misconceptions couldn't be farther from the truth.  As a father you already know how much you love your children and being a good father means that you are not afraid to show it. 

Your children need to know how much you love them.  They need to know how much they mean to you;  not just once in a while but all of the time.  They should be used to you telling them that you love them.  Both sons and daughters need to hear these words from their fathers.  Letting them know how much they mean to you and acting in a manner that backs it up will help your children adjust better to the separation or divorce. 

If you think that showing your emotions to your children makes you weak, think again.  I'm not saying that you should cry all over your children every moment of the day but showing them the tender, loving side of you is a must.  Children need to know that they have parents that love them. This gives them security, it helps them make the right choices when presented with difficult decisions.  If a child believes that nobody cares about them they tend to make wrong choices when confronted with peer pressure.  Knowing that wrong decisions will disappoint and dishearten their loved ones will help them choose the right direction at the crossroads.

Being there for your children goes so much farther than picking them up from moms once in a while.  It means building and maintaining a positive, meaningful relationship with them.  It means hugging your children, no matter what age.  It means setting time aside to talk to them about what is going on in their lives and yours.  It means  being there for them both physically and emotionally and allowing them to share those feelings with you.

Dads are tender.  Dads are faithful.  Dads are loving.  Thats what makes them strong.  Think about it.

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

I can not over emphasize the need for the children to maintain contact with the extended family. Divorce and separation not only effect the immediate family but the extended family as well. In most cases, there are grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides of the family that can be a positive influence in the children’s lives. It is important not to alienate the children from them because of the differences that may exist among you.

Remember that the children have most likely developed a love for the members of the extended family on both sides and it can be heartbreaking for them to loose contact with them. Not to mention that the extended family is an excellent resource for helping out with meeting the children’s needs when the parents are unable to be there. They can help with dentist and doctor appointments, school pick ups, you name it. It can also be fun and beneficial for the children to have overnight visits with the extended family; a change of atmosphere also does the children good every once in a while and will allow them to have “alone” time with the extended family that can help build and maintain bonds.

The children will need to know that you are willing to help them maintain contact with these special people in their lives. Keeping the names and phone numbers of family members where they can see them can be comforting to them even if they can’t read or dial the phone yet. If you explain to them who these numbers are for they can express their desire to call them from time to time. This will make them feel important and will also help them adjust to their new situation; knowing that their loved ones are just a phone call away.

Remember also that one of the factors that a judge considers when making a decision on custody is which parent is most likely going to share the children; that means with each other and the extended family. The court would be delighted to know that you have gone out of your way to ensure that the children have maintained a meaningful relationship with the extended family.

Allow, encourage and assist in making sure that the children get to spend time with all the important people in their lives. Divorce and separation are not battlefields that should include the children. Keep them safe, comfortable and loved. This requires your participation and willingness to put their interests above everything else.

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

Many fathers, when they separate themselves from the family home, make the mistake of letting mom be the one who picks up the pieces.  This can be dangerous for several reasons but two at the top of the list are: (1)  If the mother is bitter because of the separation, her bitterness can rub off on the children, even if it is not intentional; and (2) the children may learn to rely solely on mom for emotional and physical comfort, making it difficult for the father to communicate with the children.  Therefore, it is important for fathers to open up the lines of communication immediately.

Fathers need to keep in mind the age of the children and how much actully needs to be shared with them.  This is an important topic to talk with mom about.  Don't be afraid to initiate this conversation with the mother...this is not a time to do your own thing.  The two of you need to be willing to meet on common ground when it comes to the children.  Put aside your pride and be willing to share your feelings on this topic with her.    

An attentive father will keep a watchful eye on the children.  He will look for changes in their sleeping habits, study habits, grades,  athletic perfromances and interests.  A change in clothing style or taste in music can also indicate how a child may be feeling.  This is why it is important to spend as much time with the children as possible.  Warning signs often manifest themselves slowly and subtly and may be missed by a parent who only sees the children on occasion.  This is another reason why communication with mom is very important.  The two of you need to share information with each other about any concerns that you may have.  Be willing to listen and be willing to share; your children's future depends on it.

Do everything in your power to create an open relationship with your children.  Make yourself approachable and available.   Listen to them when they talk and truly try to understand what they are saying...sometimes the words that their mouths are saying are not exactly what the child is trying to say...listen carefully and really try to understand what is being said;  an insightful parent gains this insight by spending time with the children and truly getting to know them. 

What about the children that don't talk yet?  Babies have just as much to say as older children; but this requires observation on your part.  Babies can tell you if they are hungry, happy, sad, wet, hurt, scared, cold or hot.  They can tell you if the are content, frustrated, confused, suprised or bored.  You get to know your babies the same way you get to know anyone else in this world, you spend time with them.  Don't think for a second that a child is too young to visit with you.  You need to be willing and able to transport, care for, feed and nurture a baby...this is your job too it is not just moms.  This is how your child will come to trust, count on and love you. 

Make arrangements to spend every possible moment with your children.  Build a trusting relationship that goes much deeper than an afternoon at the archade.  Walk with them, talk with them, share with them...but most of all love them.

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

One has to remember that when a couple  goes through a divorce,  the entire family goes through it with them; from the children, to the  extended family, to friends that are close to the family and so on.  These emotions blow through our lives like a tornado and tear apart the things that we have grown to love and count on.  We find ourselves sifting through the rubbish, looking for something to salvage and most often there is little left.  

In come the parents.  If there were ever a time for parenting in your life, now would be the time.  This is a time that your children need to look into the eyes of both you and your ex and find something familiar.  That familiarity would be the strength and assurance that they will be taken care of.   Yes, things will be different, but they need to know that your love and support for them will never change.  This is a time in your life when your children need to become your top priority.  Everything that you do needs to be done with their best interest in mind.

Spending time with your children and letting them know how much you love them is going to go a long way.  Take the time to listen to them.  They will have concerns and questions to ask you and you need to be mindful to answer them with care and honesty.  Many of the questions that they will ask can almost be predicted and the answers to these questions should be coordinated with mom.  Their receiving the same comforting answer from both parents will confirm for them that mom and dad are working together.  This unity while you are separating will provide the stability that your children will require to help them adjust.

Always speak positively about your ex; especially around your children.  The last thing your children want to hear is you talking badly about their mom.  This will make them feel sad inside and will make you look small in their eyes.  Your goal is to have them continue to love their mother and to look up to her.  Don't put your views into their ears.  This is simply unfair.  It also eliminates any chance of them believing that the two of you are working together for them. 

Lose your mocho attitued if you have one.  Take the time to give your son or daughter a hug; no matter what their age.  Sure, the older ones may not act as though they like it but that's O.K., deep down inside they do.  You need to be mocho enough to know this and make sure that you are giving them everything they need.  Be big enough to let them know that you are going through a change as well and that you will need their help while going through it.  This puts them in the position of asking you "how are you doing" from time to time; and opens up the door to a good conversation and an opportunity to deepen your bond.

Take every waking opportunity to spend time with your children.  Take them fishing, go for a walk, play a board game, go to a museum...just spend time with them; they will love you for it.

Be strong, be loyal, and be positive.

Doug 

What we need to do is to accept the fact that our life has not gotten easier, it has actually become more complicated and we need to act as though we were performing in front of a movie camera 24 hours a day.  Every move that we make needs to be done with the best interest of our children in mind.  When we take time off from work to go fishing, golfing, bowling, hunting or whatever,  we need to ask ourselves "Could I be spending this time with my children", or "Could I use this time to fix up their second home?" or "Could I use this time to visit with their teachers?" 

Taking time for yourself is fine and even healthy, but getting caught up in these activities will set you up for a big fall in the courtroom.  You have to remember that during a custody dispute things will most likely get nasty, so why give your ex and her attorney the ammunition that they need to make you look bad?  This is not a time to go out and meet girls and hang out with the boys all night long.  This is a time to act responsibly and provide a strong and stable environment for your children.  This is a time that you need to spend extra time with your children to ensure that they are getting all their needs met.  Your responsibilities as your children's father has not ended just because your marriage has.  Being a dad means being available, stable, loving and trustworthy. 

Stay on track, stay focused and stay in touch with what really matters...your children.

Be stong, be loyal and be positive

Doug

It is important for you to do everything within your power to eliminate as much stress from your children's lives as possible.  Your participation in their lives, in a positive and productive manner, early in the separation will ensure that they will have every chance to emotionally stabilize.  Providing a secure, loving second home for them is just the beginning of  "bringing them home".

Until now, your children have been used to a certain life style.  They have grown accustomed to seeing and doing certain things and now their world has changed.  If you have left the family home with the children then you must immediately find another one that will be suitable for both you and your children.  This means that you need to provide a second home for your children  that they will feel comfortable going to.  This shouldn't feel like "Dad's place"; it should feel like home to them.  When they arrive at this second home they should see things that are child appropriate;  their own room with their own bed, some toys to play with, age appropriate furniture and eating utensils.  Providing these things will help you and your children to refer to this second home as "our new place".  If the new place resembles a bachelors pad, the chances are that the children will not quite feel the warmth that they feel at moms. 

Furnishing the new place does not have to be expensive.  There are many  places to purchase items at half the cost or less; yard sales, estate sales, and the Salvation Army are just a few.  Talk with friends and family members to see if they can help you  either by donating needed things or helping you locate them.  Creating a list of things that you need and sharing it with them will eliminate the possibility of getting two or three of something.   

Younger children  love drawing and coloring.  Coloring books, crayons, pencils and paper are cheap and can provide hours of fun as well as an opportunity for a father to plop down next to the children and color with them and provide a fun atmosphere to answer questions that the children might have.  Sometimes the children will find it easy to open up emotionally in this informal, relaxed setting.

Older children may require other things such as electronic games and the like.  These things can be bought second.  Remember your goal here is not to shower the children with new stuff,  your goal is to provide them with things that they are used to.  Spoiling the children will utlimately backfire on you and they will come to expect things from you every time that they see you.  The only things that they should expect from you is your love and support and to know that they can count on you for anything.

I found out that having your own set of car seats for the younger children goes a long way.  Having them in your car will avoid the awkward moments of transferring them from mom's car to yours.  It also allows you pick up the kids at a moments notice from school and makes it easier to be available for doctor and dentist visits.  It  shows everyone that you are a full time dad.  Your attorney well be pleased to present this kind of information to the court.  It eliminates you as a "part timer".  

Take a few moments this week and make a list of things that you can do for your children.  Are you doing everything that you can?  Is there something that you can do that would make them feel more comfortable in their second home?  Remember, home is where the heart is...keep that in mind when you are "bringing them home".

Be strong, be loyal and be positive.

Doug

This week, I would like to make a suggestion for you to do something that you may have already done; but if you havn't I would challange you to do it...you can't underestimate the importance of it.  The challange is to meet with your childrens teachers.  Some teachers may require advanced notice for this but many will welcome the opportunity to meet their pupils fathers if they havn't had the chance to do so yet.  I talk about this in Chapter Two of A Father's Journey To Custody.  It will help you to unerstand the challanges that your children may face during their day at school.  Your children will also be happy to know that you care about their work and relationships at school.  This will deepen  your bond and open up doors for them to share with you. 

Take the time to explain to the teacher that you wish to be involved in the parent /teacher conferences at report card time and would like to be scheduled in when the time comes.  This lets the teacher know that you are truly interested in your childrens well being.  I can assure you that a caring teacher will make every attempt to keep you informed. 

If your children are still in the day care stage, that's fine too.  Take the time to meet with the daycare providers and share with them that you will be picking them up from time to time (of course these pickups should be scheduled with the children's mother to avoid confusion).  Make sure that you are prepared to show identification when you show up for the first time.  They are required to make sure that you are who you say you are, so don't be insulted.  Remember, when you are there take the time to see your children's work area and any work that they may have hanging on the walls.  Children are very proud of their work and would be absolutly thrilled to share them with dad as they are displayed on the wall. 

Accept  this challange this week and let me know how you did.  This could be a great way to start getting in touch with your children's lives. 

Look forward to hearing from you guys.

Doug